Fear Leads To Unforgiveness

Learning how to pray through unforgiveness has been one of the most important things I have ever done to grow as a fearless leader. This is because, unforgiveness is ultimately fueled by fear.

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If I want to release fear, I must learn how to forgive.

– Chuck Whitley

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Years ago, I had a client who was a director in her large organization. She was responsible for about $50 million in revenue and led a large team of employees. During one of our coaching sessions, she mentioned that there was a manager she wanted to fire.

As we verbally processed the pros and cons of this decision, I suggested that we pray through forgiveness toward this manager. She agreed, but said in an angry tone,

“I am still going to fire her!”

As we walked through the steps of forgiveness, I watched her body begin to relax and her perspective start to shift. At the end, I asked her to take a moment and listen for what the Lord might want to say to her.

After a few minutes she said, “I think I know what the problem is. I am too hard on her, and it puts her into defense mode. She is actually really good at her job, but she is always resistant toward me. I need to soften up. Ok, I know what to do now.”

I have seen this happen time and time again.

Unforgiveness cultivates fear and turns us against the very people we need the most. It narrows our perspective and keeps us from considering practical solutions to the challenges we face every day. It slows us down, causes us to make poor decisions, and turns allies into enemies.

If you want to become a fearless leader, you must learn how to identify unforgiveness and release it as quickly as possible.

At this point, I need to give a quick word of caution. Forgiving others does not mean we allow abusive people to take advantage of us. It means that we release the emotional desire to retaliate or punish others for the wrongs done.

Praying Through Unforgiveness

There are four steps to praying through unforgiveness.

• Awareness
• Prayer of Forgiveness
• Release the Lie
• Accept the Truth

Awareness

The first step is awareness.

Personally, I have a tendency to slip into unforgiveness without even realizing it. I get so focused on my work that it sneaks in like a thief and steals my joy and excitement for the work I am doing.

Honestly, this happens so often that I have decided to discipline myself and ask Jesus, every day, if fear and unforgiveness have taken root. I pray, “Dear Jesus, is there anyone I need to forgive?”

Even when I think the answer is “no,” the Lord will often bring someone to mind, and I instantly become aware of my frustration toward that person.

If you are a hard-driving, results-oriented business professional, there is a good chance the same is true for you.

Even if you think you harbor no unforgiveness in your heart, I want to challenge you to pray this simple prayer right now:

“Dear Jesus, is there anyone in my life I need to forgive?”

Then take a moment, be still, and listen.

Prayer of Forgiveness

The second step is the prayer of forgiveness.

I suggest naming both the person and the offense, even if it feels small or silly.

For some reason, praying this prayer out loud helps my heart release the offense.

“Dear Jesus, I forgive (name the person) for (name the offense).”

There may be many things they have done. Name them all and release them one by one. This may take some time but it is well work the effort for the clarity it bring.

Release the Lie

The third step is difficult for most people, but it is necessary if the heart is going to truly release the offense.

When someone hurts me, there is usually an emotional lie attached to the wound that must be identified, named and surrendered.

For example, if someone says to me, “You are worthless,” the emotional lie is, “I am worthless.”

If deep down inside I believe this lie emotionally, unforgiveness begins to take root. But if I do not agree with the lie, I am able to show the person compassion regardless of what they say to me.

This is important to understand:

it is the agreement with the emotional lie that moves us toward fear and unforgiveness.

Just like the first step, this is another area where I often need God’s help. I literally have to pray:

“Dear Jesus, what lie have I believed because of this offense?”

Accept the Truth.

It is not enough to simply give over the emotional lie. Something has to take its place.

Most of the time, once I identify the lie, the truth becomes obvious. For example:

• I give over worthlessness and accept value.
• I give over rejection and accept love.
• I give over stupidity and accept competence.

Reaffirming truth reminds us of who we are as we move throughout our day.

Listen.

In the Bible, the prayers of Jesus were more like a dialogue than a monologue.

In the same way, I try to leave space for God to speak into my life and move my heart when I pray. After giving over emotional lies and accepting truth, I take a moment and listen. At the end of the prayer, I often say:

“Dear Jesus, I give this to You. What do You have to say to me in return?”

I then take a moment to clear my mind and focus on being present to Jesus. In that place I listen.

The Result.

Often, I begin to experience some aspect of the fruit of the Spirit: peace, joy, or love.

Sometimes I receive guidance, like in the example above.
Sometimes my perspective shifts and I suddenly see things in a completely different light.
Sometimes I simply feel more connected to Jesus.

The result is different every time but it always bring perspective and clarity to where I am going and what the next steps are.

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Fearless leadership is first and foremost an inward journey. It is the commitment to asking
ourselves the question,

“What are the roots of fear in my life that need to addressed?”

Fear always drives us to unforgiveness, so choosing to forgive dismantles the scaffolding of fear so that we can focus on our purpose once again.

Give this a try and tell me how it goes