Have you ever responded to a stressful situation in a way that made you feel like you are not in control? This is a common experience for many people.
They often say things like, “Chuck, whenever I am in a stressful situation, I often respond in a way I don’t like. I say things that are not helpful, and for some reason I can’t stop.”
For many of us, this happens because we automatically go to a childhood survival strategy to address stressful situations.
My Bipolar Mom
When I was young, my mom was bipolar and would often go into a bipolar episode that would last for hours. She would yell until she was so tired that she had to stop to rest. Anything I did to anger her would set her off.
Early on, I learned that if I defended myself or if I tried to share my perspective, this would only prolong the yelling. To survive, I had to stay quiet and do whatever she said.
This experience formed in me the survival strategy of people-pleasing. In childhood, it helped me survive the moment. But in adulthood, it doesn’t work.
People don’t respect people-pleasers. People don’t follow people-pleasers. It’s hard to build a business if you’re a peoplepleaser. People-pleasers don’t know what they want, so they do what others demand of them.
To this day, I flip right back into people-pleasing mode whenever someone yells at me. This happens because, for most of us, childhood survival strategies are automatic. We don’t have to think about
it—it just happens because it helped when we were young.
Four Steps
So what’s the answer? It really starts with awareness. Let me walk you through four things you
can do to build awareness and begin to unhook these childhood survival strategies.
First, identify the triggers.
This takes some self-awareness. For most of us, this doesn’t happen in the moment, but if we reflect on our day, we can easily discover the patterns that trigger our reactions. All we really have to do is ask ourselves the question, “What happened right before I was triggered?”
Reflection is a discipline that is worth cultivating because it is the first step to taking control of how we respond to stressful situations.
Second, identify the emotional needs underneath the reaction.
Survival strategies are designed to meet a need—things like safety, security, or love. For some people, a trigger might be as simple as not feeling heard. The need underneath this is to be heard or acknowledged. The thing to realize is that these childhood needs still exist in us as adults. They don’t go away just because we are older now. You can’t just dismiss them. You still long for safety, security, and love.
The goal is to recognize these needs, feel them, and put words to them. When you put an emotion you feel into words, you can process it much faster and find a way to meet it.
Third, meet those needs in healthy ways.
For most of us, this happens through our relationships. I have noticed that some of my clients are able to meet their needs themselves. They have the ability to recognize the emotional need and tell themselves they are loved and safe.
Others do it through healthy relationships. They recognize the need and turn to a spouse, family members, or a close friend to satisfy the need. And for others, those needs are met in their relationship with God. They draw near to God and receive safety, security, and love.
When the need is met in a healthy way, the survival mechanism is no longer necessary. It begins to loosen its grip on your behavior, and you are able to take control of how you respond in stressful situations.
Fourth, plan ahead for the next triggering moment.
Decide in advance how you’re going to respond. If you think it through beforehand, you can walk into those moments with a plan.
For me, I’ve learned I need to rehearse a response. When I feel triggered, I say, “Thank you for
sharing. I’ll get back to you later with my decision.” If I respond in the moment, it usually comes
from the place of people-pleasing. But if I say my rehearsed response, I can step away, take a
breath, and think about what to do. I can then re-engage with my thoughts instead of caving in to
the demands of others.
Here’s what I’ve found: when I do this,
- I make better decisions.
- I feel good about myself.
- I work more effectively with others.
- I achieve my goals.
- I bring a calming presence to the people around me.
- Most importantly, I model good leadership.
I’m convinced that if you apply these four steps to disconnect from your childhood survival strategies, you’ll see the same results.
Give it a try.